I worked at a feminist bookstore for several years. It was teensy, and meticulously organized. On separate, carefully labeled shelves, you’d find the books on women’s history, feminist theory, and feminist literary criticism. Here were books by and about black women — fiction and nonfiction. Here was lesbian fiction, and here was lesbian nonfiction. Here were books for women who were pregnant. Here were books for women who very specifically didn’t want to get pregnant.
This meticulous classifying of titles was important, because the whole point of being in a feminist bookstore was that you were tired of the mainstream point-of-view, tired of being the weirdo, and wanted to escape for a while to a literary landscape where, for instance, you could be Latina and a main character, rather than a wacky best friend. You could be a woman and not a love interest. You could be a woman and have a love interest who was also a woman. Just find the right shelf, and find yourself. (An actual shelf. Made of wood. This was way before the Internet.)
One thing we did not have was a special shelf for rich people. No bookstores ever seem to have that.
This strikes me as odd, because wealth is a huge dividing factor. We all talk about that when it comes to The Rich and The Poor — but that’s because nobody ever admits to belonging to either of those classes.
The fact is, there’s nothing wrong with being rich unless you’re a jerk about it. But there’s something wrong with being rich and not admitting it. And there’s something very wrong with being rich and not admitting it because you haven’t noticed that you’re rich.
An example: A few years ago, my son and I desperately wanted to visit some friends of ours who live in Washington state. We live in California. Driving would be expensive, because aside from the gas involved it’s just far enough that we’d have to overnight somewhere. So far as I could see, we were talking about at least a few hundred dollars, and I just plain didn’t have it.
I don’t mean I couldn’t afford it. I never say that any more. That phrase has to be ripped out of our language until people stop misusing it. Back when I used it, I meant that I didn’t have the money for such-and-such. Then I learned that people say they “can’t afford” something when they really mean they don’t feel like spending the money. Which is bogus. If that’s not where you feel like putting your cash, fine, but don’t imply you don’t have the cash in the first place.
I just plain didn’t have the cash for this trip. We’re broke. My husband has been laid off twice in the past decade. After the second time, he was lucky enough to find very secure work with people he likes — at two-thirds the pay of his previous job. Thank goodness we’re the on-site managers of the apartment building we live in, so our rent stays pretty low. Still, I’m always doing what I can to cut expenses. I bake our bread. I buy tea leaves in bulk — much cheaper than coffee or even tea bags. I go to the library like some people go to the mall, and enjoy the luxury of one card I can max out without guilt. The closest I come to going out to eat is saving up for and splurging on convenience food. (I really lived it up the other day and bought a box of macaroni and cheese — a selfish indulgence, since I’m the only one in the house who likes it. I got three lunches out of that dollar.) I hang some of our clothes to dry, which makes our little apartment even more crowded on laundry days. When I get my hair cut, I barter with a friend (my baked goods for her skill with the scissors) or go to Supercuts. I touch up my own gray. I exercise to free online videos at home or go for a run or a walk. I’m a little alarmed that the two pairs of jeans I alternate between are developing holes that will soon be past the point of decency.
Getting back to the hoped-for trip to Washington. The friends we wanted to visit suggested I look into taking the train. I mentioned this to a relative of mine, and he laughed and shook his head.
“I would never take a train,” he said. “You should just fly up.”
Because not having money in America is still associated with being a slacker no matter how crap the economy gets, it’s always lots and lots of fun to have to explain that, for instance, flying somewhere just plain isn’t an option. Through gritted teeth, I pointed out that quite literally the only way I could “just fly” anywhere short of sprouting wings would be to apply for a credit card, hope I qualified for it, and then hope that it had a high enough limit for me to put to round-trip plane tickets on it. Then of course I’d be left with a nice big debt for our already staggering finances to deal with — but at least I’d have gone to Washington.
What really bothered me about this conversation was the stunned look on the man’s face when I said this. He and his wife both have very good jobs. They shop at the really expensive trendy grocery stores. When a new gadget comes out, this couple has it that day. They have a multi-bedroom house in a wealthy neighborhood in a well-to-do town. They have several cars, terrific clothes, and travel all the time.
Do I sound defensive? Abrasive? Bitter?
Damned right I am. But not for the reasons you think. Which are as follows.
Have you heard of Amy Chua? Sure you have. Author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, which I read after waiting behind more than 30 people in the holds list to get my hands on our public library’s copy.
Have you read her book? If so, what do you think about when you think about her?
You think about the parenting issues her book brings up, of course. Is Chua too strict? Too strict but makes some interesting points? Too strict and should be arrested for child abuse? Too strict and her kids need to go into therapy to undo the Stockholm Syndrome their mom has inflicted on them?
Here’s what I think about when I think about Amy Chua:
This is a woman who talks all about the differences between “Western” parents and “Chinese” ones. She talks about the fact that in this context, “Western” doesn’t have to mean white and “Chinese” doesn’t have to mean Chinese. Chua talks about this as if it’s purely a matter of priorities.
She doesn’t once mention the fact that she’s not talking about just-plain parenting. She’s talking about rich-people parenting.
My mother-in-law, who has significantly more money than my family does, pays for my son’s music lessons. He has one piano and one violin lesson a week. His violin teacher is putting me under a lot of pressure to enroll him in an orchestra group; but we can’t afford it, and my m-i-l is already giving as much as she can.
Chua describes her daughter getting ready to audition for a really important music school. She has three weeks to prepare, and in those three weeks, she sometimes has two or three music lessons a day.
Apparently the reader is meant to marvel at the intensity of it all. I sat there stunned at the thought of how much cash that must take. Chua does mention that her husband raised an eyebrow when the bills started coming in, and Chua said that, fine, they wouldn’t take their winter vacation trip this year. (Not to be mistaken for their summer trip, of course.)
I’ll say it again: This isn’t parenting we’re talking about. This is rich-people parenting.
Which brings us, finally, to why this rant-essay is about homeschooling.
Because although Chua is never even one time called rich by any of the reviewers I’ve seen, I am regularly accused of rolling in dough. Because by virtue of being a homeschooler, I’m “rich.”
Example one: several months ago, someone sent me a nice note about The Bitter Homeschooler’s Wish List, which they excerpted and linked to on their own site. I went to take a look — and, because I’m a masochist, I read some of the comments.
A nice comment. Another nice comment. And — ooh, I should have stopped reading after two.
It was all the usual stuff: homeschoolers are wrong, wrong, evil, and wrong. We’re ruining our kids. They’re ruining our society. And we’re…really? Rich?
Excerpt from the comment in question:
“Homeschooling is DISASTROUS if done by anyone who isn’t rich enough to raise children on one income.”
Rich?
Raising my sonny boy on one income is rich now?
Apparently that’s a stereotype homeschoolers can’t get away from.
Jesse Scaccia mentions it in his top ten reasons why homeschoolers are mad, bad, and dangerous to know. “Students who get homeschooled are increasingly from wealthy and well-educated families. To take these (I’m assuming) high achieving students out of our schools is a disservice to our less fortunate public school kids.” (This is from reason #8: “Homeschoolers are selfish.” Apparently, paying the same taxes as everyone else and then letting other people’s kids use them instead is as selfish as it gets.)
And here’s a comment on an article about the “Homeschool to Harvard” family: “For the 99% of us that don’t have the luxury to homeschool our kids, I guess we’ll have to stick with crappy ‘ol regular schools. Or I guess I could quit my job and live in poverty so I can homeschool my kids. That should teach them good work ethic [sic], right? Seriously, the only people who homeschool their kids are either independently wealthy or religious fanatics. Don’t judge us for being normal.” (And they call me bitter.)
Late last autumn there was a CNN story about homeschooling. A commenter posted (and there aren’t enough sics in the world to do this one justice, so bear in mind that I copied this verbatim): “If anything this is proof that the economy is doing just fine for some folks. Let’s face it, this is a luxury. I’m glad these people have that but the rest of us just could never afford it. Also I understand that people are worried about crime in schools, overcrowding, not having the facilities or the teach staff that they would like. But it bothers me that these economically well to do people instead of getting involved with their local school board and trying to work out these problems decide it’s better to abandon their neighborhood schools leaving the situation to just get worse.”
And here it comes again: a new article at Slate, with the promising title, “Liberals, Don’t Homeschool Your Kids: Why teaching children at home violates progressive values.”
Specifically, homeschooling is something snooty rich people do because they can afford to.
Um.
First off, and you know I don’t ask rhetorical questions: Are there any articles out there about how liberals shouldn’t send their kids to private schools?
Second: Dana Goldstein is writing this article in response to an article by Astra Taylor, who was homeschooled. “Taylor’s mother could afford to stay home with her kids,” Goldstein accuses. “Yet Taylor bristles against the suggestion that there was anything unique about the ability of her upper-middle class, uber-intellectual parents to effectively ‘unschool’ their children while still helping them grow into educated adults with satisfying professional lives.”
Let me get this straight: homeschooling families live on one income each, so we’re all filthy rich.
Oh. Um. Okay.
I don’t want to be as guilty as Goldstein is for assuming that it’s fine to extrapolate from one example. Maybe I really am the only broke homeschooler.
So I asked around.
Specifically, I posted about this on SHM’s Facebook page, and the responses alternated between laughter and outrage — sometimes in the same posting.
From Janet: “I’m a widow with three boys and self-employed. Go ahead, shoot that stereotype.”
“We never go out, have never hired a babysitter, travel only to places where we have family so we can crash for free in their homes (and even that stretches the budget!). Yeah, I’m totally rich.” (Tiffany)
“I had to laugh when I saw that comment. We are poorer than dirt, barely making ends meet…actually we’re not making ends meet at the moment because my husband was laid off from his job as a construction worker for seven months and we can’t catch up. However, the decision to homeschool is so important to us that we sacrifice.” (Leah)
“Currently living in a house owned by family members so we don’t have to pay rent or power or phone. Our income is less than $180 a week for me, husband and 2 kids. We have 1 car and live 10 minutes from the nearest town. We have fruit trees and a vegetable garden and there’s a fair bit of produce swapping going on in our social circles.” (Katherine)
I got a lot more responses, but you get the point.
Regardless of what else you think of homeschoolers, please keep in mind that we’re not any more likely to be rich than any other group. We just don’t mind being broke for a good cause.
I don’t know why I’m even bothering to type this. As soon as people learn that we’re not all fabulously wealthy, we’ll be told that in that case we shouldn’t be homeschooling at all, since our children will be deprived of constitutionally guaranteed luxury goods. We can’t win.
Oh, I KNOW. It drives me bonkers that people think that homeschoolers are rich. Half the homeschoolers I know constantly wonder how they’re going to make ends meet this month. We’re still trying to get out from under the pile of debt our year or so (if you add it up) of unemployment-with-no-benefits got us into. I sold out to The Man a couple of years ago and joined a charter that pays for our books because I couldn’t buy a single book, much less math and writing and all that. I’ve been feeling particularly depressed this week because my daughter needs vision therapy ($800 minimum), the fake bit of my front tooth broke off two days later ($250), and then a rock hit my windshield a couple days after that (don’t want to know). Did I mention the giant pile of ‘things that need fixing that we can’t pay for’? Whee!
Like with anything else, homeschooling is about priorities..Homeschooling is a priority for us, so we work everything else around that. We don’t live in the fanciest of houses, we seldom eat out, we drive used cars until they fall apart.
It is interesting that most of the time, people’s negative reactions about homeschooling reflects more about them, than it does about homeschooling. It’s as if they think that homeschoolers; by simply making a different choice, are judging them, and it makes them uncomfortable and defensive.
So, so absurd! Several people have told me they “can’t afford” to homeschool, as if we do it out of some sense of economic privilege. When I tell them I started when we lived in an apartment in Phoenix and could barely pay the rent and had to make do with one car, they look at me as if I’m crazy. I love suggesting they might afford it if they sell one of their three cars, move into a smaller home and buy from Target rather than Nordstrom.
Homeschooling involves sacrifice and enough patience and love to handle the fallout from that sacrifice. But I’m preaching to the choir, so I’ll get off my soapbox now
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Yep, this one gets me too, but you’re right that winning the battle on this stereotype will only give “them” a new button to push. I can remember having these same comments thrown at me even before we started homeschooling though just for being a stay at home mom. I could never get through,even people I knew in person, that it wasn’t that we were financially able to live on one income, it was that it was a priority for us to parent our kids ourselves and we would make whatever sacrifices we had to to do it.
We have never spent more than $2000 on a car (and that was once, the average is about $800), do everything we can for ourselves (including repairing the clunkers we drive), coupon/thrift shop, travel (rarely) only to see family (and stay with them), etc.
What it comes down to is that society norms are so extravagant these days that people cant imagine how it’s possible to live in a smaller home, drive an old car, eat in, live without cable, live without all the latest gadgets, etc so they assume we all live in the same extravagance as that norm on one income.
As an aside, I honestly think it is more expensive to send a kid to school than it is to homeschool. Of course, we would be a one income family either way, but with all the stuff friends of mine deal with between school supply lists, fundraisers, “must have” clothes, shoes, and other items, etc they spend a lot more on their kids than I do.
I absolutely LOVED your post! TOO funny! Time for homeschoolers to unite once more. We can just add this to the list of stereotypes we will debunk!
I actually run a group on Facebook called “Homeschool Freebies”, which I began to show others how to homeschool less expensively. When my hubby was in a work-related accident, I had to change my way of educating my children. I simply could no longer afford (yep, using your definition!) to homeschool by my usual means. I was thrilled when I discovered a virtual wealth of information, sites and freebies on the net that enabled me to continue to teach my kiddos at home.
This group is only 8 months old and I have just shy of 700 members, which speaks directly to your point. Homeschoolers are not wealthy, but we are determined. We aren’t rich, we’re dedicated. We’re not “well-off” in many cases, but we are passionate about our children and willing to sacrifice personal comforts to make a lasting difference in their lives. And this alone, is enough.
For any who are interested, here’s my group: http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/174883412557295/
The honest to God truth is that homeschooling is only as expensive or as inexpensive as you make it. And the honest to goodness truth is that we will debunk this myth too, just like the rest.
I don’t know a single homeschooler with excessive amounts of money. Not one. All of the homeschoolers I know are flat-out broke; then scrounge school materials from Freecycle or swap with older/younger kids, and when they do consider new curriculum it is really new-to-them curriculum.
There is a lot of venom directed towards homeschoolers in the past couple weeks, and it really seems like bitter jealousy. People make the choice to have new clothes and a car for each driver in their over-large home and then feel that also “buys” them the right to criticize and belittle those who choose education over stuff. I make 1/3 of what I used to make now that I work at home with the kid, and the payoff has more than made up for it; I have a kid who is engaged, intellectually curious, confident and growing every day. She is comfortable at the thrift store, knows the value of a dollar, and understands that vegetables you grow yourself taste better than shrink-wrapped produce at the store. Her friends come over and say how fun our house is as they play outside, make homemade pizza and feed the animals (or help me can, or eat snap peas from the garden – anything other than sitting in front of the TV or shopping).
Priceless.
This was a great post. I had no idea homeschoolers were assumed to be wealthy. I’m new to homeschooling, and have met a few that are wealthy, but that’s just because of where I live, it’s a very broad spectrum here – sadly, I’m on the poor end – lol. It’s amazing though the negativity people have for homeschooling…why waste so much time being upset about something that other people do, people they don’t even know? Are their lives really that empty? Do they think if we put our kids in public school – their lives will somehow be improved? I don’t buy the idea that all their vitriol is out of concern for our children…
My family of seven is supported by my husband’s VA disability compensation of $2100/month. We get no medical benefits, and we are not receiving food stamps, rent assistance, or any other form of welfare money.
We recently opened a small bookstore that is not yet profitable. How do we take care of our family on such a small income? We shop at yard sales and thrift stores. We don’t pay for cable, internet at home, or electronic gadgets. We keep chickens for eggs and raise as big a garden as we can. And we homeschool.
LOL!!!!!! YES!!! I just got yesterday, “…..must be niiiiccceee to be able to stay home, but some of us have to work.” I wanted to cram my fist in her mouth!! I also wanted to say, and didn’t, well if you weren’t so worried about your new car, fancy clothes, shopping, getting nails done, vacation taking, expensive beauty shop trips, name brand clothing, too big for you house, spoiled brat kids, too many activities, too much junk food, wasteful, shitty habit life then just maybe you could homeschool too.
Thank you for reminding me of all that I have to be grateful for.
I don’t homeschool. Partly, it is because the public schools in our town are phenominal. Partly, it is because I don’t brlieve I could do as good a job as our schools. Hats off to those of you eho are up for the challenge!
Partly, it is because both my husband and I have a calling for our respective careers. I could as soon lose a limb as give up my pursuit of art. And partly, it is because if We had to make due with one income for the duration of my kids’s childhood, I would be sick with anxiety. As in go-to-the-doctor-for-medication sick. I have to know that we could weather a tree falling into our kitchen. (Although that possibility has now been cut down. Poor old ailing oak. )
I have nothing but admiration for those of you willing to go through with homeschooling. And, too, for those of you who for whatever reason didn’t even really have a choice in the matter. I know that sometimes homeschooling is sometimes not just the best option, but the only option.